my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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