are you so shy because you have an std?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
