...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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