if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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