just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
