just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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