Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
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Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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