Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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