she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
