I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
