i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
