but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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