Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
