sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
