And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
