in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
