She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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