living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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