My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
