I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
