If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
