my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
