I accidentally burped into my bong.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
