For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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