If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I won't apologize to a one balled man
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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