Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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