we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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