god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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