Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
