I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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