anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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