But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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