Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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