A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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