I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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