He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
