It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
