Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The uberlube is also flammable
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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