I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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