Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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