How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
