I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so much tequila, so little girl.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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