My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
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Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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