i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
