I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
