I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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