when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
