I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
