and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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