I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
