dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
