Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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