So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
