If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
