I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
