dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
40s are totally the cure
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
